I have never in my life felt such love for another human being as i do when i hold my newborn baby, but at the same time i have never felt such overwhelming loneliness and despair.  I feel like i cant do anything right, He cries all night long and i cannot figure out why,  I wasn't able to breast feed, He would latch but not suck and although i did everything both lactation consultants suggested I had to switch to formula.  Ive seen the dr and she prescribed some medication for me, so i hope that it helps with my mental state. 

I miss his dad and when im in my right mind i know that we cant be together but right now i wish i had just accepted the way things were.  At least he'd be here part of the time, and i wouldnt feel so lonely. 

Doing this on my own is so much harder than i EVER thought it could be.  I havent had any sleep that lasted more than an hr at a time since i had him.  It is starting to catch up to me.  Im sitting here typing this with tears rolling down my face for no reason.  He is actually sleeping at the moment, I need to be, but i know as soon as i lay my head down he will wake up. 

He is such a beautiful baby boy and I know i am truly blessed to be given such a gift, but sometimes i wonder if Im strong enough to give him the life that he deserves. 

Lil man is waking up, its time to feed him.  Have Dr appt on tuesday to check his weight.  Hopefully he will have gained back the weight he lost.  Will also find out which cardiologist we will be seeing.