Last night I actually managed to sleep for 3 hrs, Progress:)  Still feel like a zombie and so exhausted but it was the most sleep i've managed since I came home from the hospital.  Today was a roller coaster of emotions, one moment I felt okay and the next I was weeping uncontrollably.  Every time he would cry, I would cry.  I feel so alone, I thought i would have more help and support but the people that i thought were my closest friends in the whole wide world have been practically non existent since lil guy was born. 

My mom is offering to help but I don't know that I can trust her.  How can I leave my child alone with an alcoholic?  How do I know she's not going to drink while he's there or that she is not going to drink while she is driving with him in the car?  I would love to be able to say, "yes, please take him for a few hours while i sleep"  but i can't, and it sucks so much.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day and I am so dreading it, every time I see a "love" commercial it shoots me further into depression.  I want to be loved, the way that I have loved others in the past.  I want that comfort and passion of a relationship.  I know that somewhere out there is someone for me, but right now that doesn't seem like a possibility.  I know you can find love after 32, and that people with kids fall in love all the time but i still feel like its never gonna happen for me. 

In positive news,  lil man's belly is doing better today.  The gas drops seem to be helping which makes this momma very happy.