How sad is it that so little has changed

So it is a year later, and yet when i read the last post on this blog i am going through the same situation, except this time its worse because i didn't learn anything from the first go round. I was doing okay, i made it through the holidays and had finally started getting my shit together. . and then he told me still had feelings for me. I of course still had feelings for him and so we decided to work on things. . .or so i thought.

I am writing on here again because i need some sort of way to express all these feelings and emotions I've got swirling around inside of me before i explode.


Sadness, Disappointment, Anger, Disgust, Helplessness and love.

I really thought he had changed! I thought he had matured while we were apart and that he really wanted me and a family and all those bullshit happily ever after moments. I mean we discussed plans and a future and . . . it doesn't matter.

I truly believe he still loves me and lord knows i still love him, but truth is that it's not enough. He doesn't love me enough to put me first and to make me his priority and i should love myself enough to demand that from any relationship i am in. And i haven't . . . . but i will.

I am sad that this situation exists, disappointed in the person he has turned out to be, Anger at his careless disregard for me , Disgust at myself for letting it happen, helplessness because i still love him and love because i cant purge it from my body.

How do you know someone so intimately for 4 years and end up not knowing them at all?

I have to move on, I have to learn to love myself more and to realize that I am in the most important person in my own life.

Anybody got any suggestions as to how i go about that?