I go back to work on Monday and i am dreading it. I found someone to keep lil guy but i have VERY mixed emotions about it. She seems nice but i hate that someone else will be with my child more than half the day. It will have to be this way at least through the summer, which upsets me. Im sure it will be fine, it still makes me mad that i was unable to get assistance with daycare because i gross 100 to much a paycheck. If i brought home what i grossed, i wouldnt need assistance. I mean its just me, im not getting help via child support or even an offer of his dad keeping him one day a week. But there is no use in dwelling over it, i have made arrangements, and hopefully it will all work out.
His "father" came to see him, not on the day he made plans to come see him but the next day more than two hours after he had told me he would be here. I told him this was his oppurtunity to be the kind of dad he had told me over the years he wished he had been to his other kids, so far im not impressed.
He has broken my heart so many times over the years, in big gaping wounds of betrayal and lies and small scratches of disapointment and emotional sabotage. I WILL NOT let him do that to my son. If he cant step up, then he will step ALL the way out. I may not have been strong enough to kick him out of my life, but strangely i find an emotional strength inside me when it comes to lil man.
Even though i am never alone, and my life is now subject to the soundtrack of crying and gurgles, i feel lonlier than ever. Depression swirls around me, and i feel like its a daily battle to push it away. I wonder if other people feel this, I feel jealousy of couples. It must be so much easier to do this with a partner, someone to take over when your overloaded and feeling frustrated.
But that isnt my reality.. . . So I'll take a deep breath and keep on trying.
1 comment:
I am so sorry this is a month late, but I wanted to say I am thinking of you. I also understand. Sometimes I still get angry over the fact I have done most of this by myself. Sometimes I see a happy family and my stomach turns; however, the grass is not always greener. I lived over the septic tank myself, and most of it was an illusion. Hang in there. It does get better.
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